Camping

It turns out keeping busy with my girls and ballet was a perfect way to ignore the need for any critical self awarenes.

But today, I was lucky enough to find the strength and share my story with an audlience! Yes I did! Even though it was scary to open up, it felt good to do that, good enough to share it with all of you.

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Camping. Who likes camping? I hate camping! Yet, most of my life feels like a bad camping trip.

I grew up in Sarajevo and have nothing, but the best memories of my childhood spent with my older brother, my family and friends. Summers were my favorite because we’d go to Croatia and enjoy the Adriatic Sea. Our last “camping, holiday” trip to Croatia was in 1991. Our parents sent my brother and I to Dubrovnik as part of our school trip; That is when my brother dove into a shallow water, broke his neck and the never-ending camping trip began.

I quickly learned to hate the phrase “for the time being” . I remember thinking, this means something else is about to happen; perhaps something better and perhaps soon. Perhaps not.

My parents would say, “you’ll be staying with your aunt for the time being” “we’ll be in Croatia with your brother for the time being” “you’ll be staying with another aunt for the time being” “we won’t be seeing you for the time being” and then I remember a phone call with my mom when she said “your brother will be in a wheelchair” and I waited for that phrase I so despised, and this time so desperately needed to hear “for the time being” ... but the phone call ended.

I was permanently stuck in this temporary situation. It felt like an overused band aid that you keep trying to stick over your sore, but it’s just hanging there and exposing your fresh scab. This camping trip that I wished so badly would end, kept on going.

At last, I’m reunited with my parents and my brother in Croatia. It felt different, but a camping trip, nonetheless. We are together for the time being, living with my mom’s family for the time being, visiting my brother at the hospital every day for the time being, hoping his quick recovery.

Soon we learn about a war in Sarajevo, my parents lost their jobs, we lost our home, some of our family, most of our friends – hopefully for the time being. Suddenly, Croatia felt like camping on an unwelcomed territory, maybe for the time being, but my parents did not want to risk it.

Now we’re in Slovenia for the time being, we are refugees for the time being, living in this house for the time being, wearing these donated clothes for the time being, learning to speak a new language for the time being, my brother and I are in school for the time being, my parents are waiting for food and supplies in front of the Red Cross building every Saturday, for the time being, we have a dog for the time being, we have friends for the time being. We found out I have scoliosis, so I had to have a surgery and spend a month in the hospital, for the time being... Five years later we are still refugees for the time being.

I’m wondering when this band aid will finally fall off! I’m not even worried about the scab or the scar anymore! I hate camping!!!

My parents tell us we are approved to go to the US for the time being. I am not sure if I am ready for another “time being” experience, but we were so happy to start on a new camping trip again! Maybe this one will be different.

We moved to this place called Utah. I’m 16 and my brother is 18. We are learning a new language. We are going to school. My brother and I received our master’s degrees. My parents bought a house. My parents have jobs. My brother got his PhD. He has a job. I have a job. I got married. I bought a house. I have 2 daughters.

It‘s 2019, my parents are happy, my brother is happy. I’m looking at the scar that’s missing a band aid and proudly remembering my camping trips.

I am happy and content!

I still hate camping, for the time being!